I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
