you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
