My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
being pregnant is like rehab
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
