Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
