Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
