Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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