I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
