Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You've changed since you got that strap on
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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