Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
