I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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