I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Randomize
