a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
