At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
