some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
