turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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