hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
