she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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