if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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