i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
