I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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