New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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