Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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