Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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