I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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