Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
