I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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