woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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