two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
