Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
