Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
and she was petting her beer can
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
