I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
