Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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