You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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