It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
