here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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