I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
This gyro tastes like lonliness
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
