We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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