Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
