Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
