I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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