Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I am in a vortex of obligation.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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