just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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