before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
