Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
