I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
