Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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