Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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