I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
