Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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