He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
